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Every Heart-Wrenching Feel You Have While Christmas Shopping

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Saturday, December 16, 2017 - 11:19

Every year, despite the fact it essentially starts in August, Christmas seems to sneak up on us. One day it’s Halloween, the next it’s Christmas Eve Eve, and we’ve still got ALL of the presents to buy.

If this sounds like you, you’ll also relate to these ten h-a-r-r-o-w-i-n-g stages of last minute Christmas shopping. 

1. grim determination 

Right. Yes. This is it. I’m gonna smash this. Gonna get all of the presents. Gonna win an award for best presents. People gonna cry with joy when they open these presents. *walks to shops listening to Rocky soundtrack* 

2. hatred of all people and shops

Oh bloody hell there are literally millions of people here. Seriously how do this many people even exist in the world, let alone this small town? This is how I’m going to die, isn’t it. Crushed to death by a pushchair-wielding-panic-buying mother of 4. 

3. hatred of self

Whhyyyyyyyyyy do I do this every year whyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I am a failure. I am failing at life. I should just give up and hide in a cave somewhere. But not before Christmas dinner because I’m craving some roast potatoes like nobody’s bizniss. 

4. potential salvation...

I’ll just get them all books. Everyone loves books. Books books books. 

5. 10 mins after browsing bookshelves...

By the name of Lucifer have you seen how expensive books are?!!!!! They are literally made of paper how are they the price of a small car. 

6. a rejection of capitalist ideals

What are we doing? What is the human race doing? Look at us. Just look at us, please. Helpless rats trapped in the maze of consumerism, an orgy of capitalism, all for this contrived construction of society that no longer has anything to do with little baby Jesus, unless little baby Jesus wanted a load of useless gifts he’d never use. Oh actually, he did get frankincense, didn’t he. Poor sod. 

7. distraction

No but really what is frankincense? Imma just google that real quick then get back to my shopping. Maybe mum wants some incense this year? Where do you buy incense from in 2016? Imma just google that real quick. 

8. snack break

Look I REALISE that the shops are going to close in 2 hours OK but I’m so hungry I feel weak and everybody knows you’re not supposed to shop on an empty stomach. Stop judging me. 

9. surrender

Does Aunt Wendy even need a gift this year? What did Aunt Wendy ever do for me, the spiteful moose? You’re off the list Aunt Wendy. YOU’RE OFF THE LIST. 

10. desperation

Right I’m just going to buy the next not-completely-crap things I see and people will just have to make do. I just need to be anywhere that is not here. Dad, you’re getting socks again, soz. Mum, I hope you still like soap, pal. 

- Lizzie Cox

MTV is airing marathons of Geordie Shore, Teen Mom, Ex On The Beach, Just Tattoos Of Us, Ridiculousness & more every day over the holidays!

Last Minute Christmas Gifts For The Lazy Person...

Last Minute Christmas Gifts For The Lazy Person

  • For those of you who are lazy, broke or both, these Christmas gift ideas are so easy to make that you'll have no excuse to cop out on present-giving this year. Case in point: Scratchies. Best of all you can stake a claim in the future winnings!
    New Mexico Lottery
    1 of 11
  • DIY Vodka Redbull: Look a legend without actually doing much at all. You'll forever be the 'cool cousin' for gifting one of these.
    Cloudfront Wordpress
    2 of 11
  • Family Recipe Chopping Board: It will bring a tear to mum's eye and you might even be able to use a chopping board already in the cupboard. Everybody wins!
    Nutfield Geneaology Blogspot
    3 of 11
  • Money Origami: Hide your laziness amongst the folds of these intricate cash creations.
    4 of 11
  • Spell out words like 'HOME' or 'LOVE' in pom poms stuck to cardboard letters and instantly become the darling of the family.
    Bespoke Bride
    5 of 11
  • Homemade Play Dough: Flour. Salt. Water. Easy. Perfect for the unsuspecting child or immature friend in your life.
    Queen Bee Coupons
    6 of 11
  • Orange Wreaths: Vitamin C meets festive cheer and all you need is a bag of fruit and roll of cellophane. What aunty doesn't love some yuletide home decor?
    Omiyage Blogs
    7 of 11
  • Make a mix CD and draw a cool picture on it. A tested and true lazy gift idea with a hint of 90's nostalgia. Just make sure the tracks don't suck.
    Youthbyitself Tumblr
    8 of 11
  • DIY Shopping Bag: You can go from the beach to grocery shopping with one of these versatile, timeless bags. Simply cut holes in an old singlet and sew the bottom together. Cheap and thoughtful.
    9 of 11
  • Jar Lid Photo Frames: Cut out the faces of your loved ones and stick them to the inside of jar lids. Use glitter or coloured paint to decorate as you see fit.
    ilovetocreateblog
    10 of 11
  • Homemade Sugar Scrub: Because it's way easier than baking. All you need is some sugar, sand, oil and vanilla essence.
    Tammilee Tips
    11 of 11

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