Ex On The Beach Ep. 8 recap
Well here we are the season finale for Ex On The Beach. Firstly can we just start off by commending these brave young soldiers; if we were told we’d be getting an all-expenses paid trip to a Spanish island with young hot singles only to be dropped with the news that one of our exes was arriving we’d quit that bitch quicker than fake tan stains your whites. Nevertheless it’s been a journey of peaks and troughs and we’ve lost many greats along the way… but mostly just Frankie.
After hurricane Vicky blew into town last week, we hope you’ve gathered all your personal belongings and have found shelter because this gal isn’t done; her path of destruction will take no prisoners until she brings down former fiancé Ricci.
Well the next morning is a beautiful tableau of complete awkwardness between Ricci, Vicky and Dan all avoiding each other like the plague. Personally we would do the slow backwards shuffle out of the situation; you could hear a pin drop. Ah but what’s this? Liam and Shelby had a tashfest the evening before. Let off the fireworks, Liam finally got on the scoreboard!
Example A: AWKWARD
The Tablet of Terror dings, its date time: “Ricci and Emily go and make a splash.” Oh dear Vicky’s BFFFF and former lover, this spells trouble. Emily refuses to go on the date and is perhaps because she’s secretly in love with Vicky? Either way the second coming of Mother Teresa, Chloe, steps in and falls on the sword as she agrees to go on the date with Ricci like the modern martyr that she is. As if Vicky didn’t need another reason to hate the busty ballbreaker.
Ross confronts Shelby about her bedtime antics with Liam the night before. Shelby bats her eyelids and says nothing happened. Do these geniuses seriously not understand how reality TV works? As in TV = cameras which in turn means they’re filming everything you do. Elsewhere Marco gets caught out for calling some of the cast members “sheep” and of course they all haaaaate confrontation so naturally another argument ensues. Farah, the main instigator, is getting into Marco and Chloe and so eloquently phrases their relationship, “they’re so far up each other’s bumholes.” Maybe she isn’t so devoid of a personality after all. We mean it’s not a great personality but nice to know she’s not a Fembot.
Tablet of Terror lets the gang know its date time and Liam gets to choose who the lucky lady is. No surprises here, he chooses Talitha with a grin, and in even more shocking news Ash, flies off the handle bars and forbids it from happening. Ok sloppy seconds Emily are you keen? Nope. Ok will ANYONE date this man? Shelby it is then. They’re off on a tantric massage session and the masseuse is the epitome of professionalism as she dons a white g-banger revealing a tramp stamp. Where did she get her masseurs licence from? There’s oil all over Liam’s body as he tries desperately to fend off an aggressive motion from under his skimpy shorties. Liam so selflessly warns Shelby that Ross is a player and to be careful.
Back at the villa and Ricci tries to clear the air with Dan. Dan is cool as a cucumber and half-heartedly agrees to keep the peace but to be honest we blacked out for a second because he’s in the hot tub and well, we can’t really be held responsible for where our minds wander under those circumstances. The boys engage in a hilarious backyard team meeting with some overdramatic lines from Ross regarding Liam’s behaviour: “This is people’s LIVES he’s messing with!” Hand that boy an Oscar. They decide to confront Liam, the shit stirrer extraordinaire, with Ricci leading the charge. Ricci calls Liam a fanny continuously. Damn dem boys fight durrty. Ash tag teams in now and we’ve never seen the hair on his head stand so tall (unassisted) as he screams at Liam threatening to kill him.
The next morning the whole gang are off to the beach to welcome the last ever ex, but it turns out just to be a ruse as there are no more exes to welcome. Charge your glasses! However it seems that Ash is to be evicted for his roid rage antics from the previous evening. It’s sad to see the little caramel groover head off in to the sunset but me thinks this isn’t the end to him and Talitha, may well be hope for them.
Ricci and Vicky finally have some semblance of a calm chat on the couch to clear the air but as to be expected Vicky is territorial and bitchy, although we’re not sure she has any other gears. Something odd is happening to her upper lip but we can’t quite put our finger on it. Ricci apologises for selling their story to the press as they agree to stay out of each other’s way for the last night.
Well here it is the final night beach party! The gang get ready with cheap knock off Herve Leger dresses and fake lashes aplenty. Vicky has a drink in her hand and goes off on some diatribe against Chloe and Ricci. Standard. Ross and Shelby get cosy as he vows to make her his future ex-girlfriend. Dan and Vicky have a cute moment on the beach where they confirm their status as together.
The cynic in us certainly relished in the fact that pretty much all of the couples broke up post show. And that folks, is what show biz is all about, taking comfort in the fact that no matter how busted up your love life is there are always some pretty desperate reality stars faring much worse than you. It has been an absolute pleasure walking you through this series of Ex On The Beach my comrades and we’ll see you next season. (Dan call me)