Ex On The Beach episode 5 recap
Another week has rolled around and we swiftly put down our daily cookie as the cast of Ex On The Beach once again make us feel guilty for not having abs. We kick things off this week with the boys getting stuck into a good old girly bitch session with Liam having a go at Marco, someone’s about to start pulling hair. While the boys are running their mouths the girls are running their legs with a visit from the “female terminator” personal trainer down on the beach.
Later on we find Jack and Liam having a heart to heart on the state of the female talent in the house as they share a fruity cocktail. Simpleton Jack is back and getting some air time dropping some great insights like “these girls have got too much respect for themselves, I don’t think they’re going to put out.” Some pigeons pass them on the beach as Liam declares “they’re the only birds we’ll be getting.” Ladies and gentlemen chauvinism is alive and well in the form of these two; dumb and dumber. They need their own show.
Like clockwork the Tablet of Terror dings with the news that Farah, Marco and Talitha are heading to the beach to welcome the next ex. After some cocktail fuelled speculation on whose former lover will arrive next, out pops Joss, Talitha’s ex. He looks like the fifth member of Take That, spends 15 minutes doing his hair, prefers petite girls who he can take home to break the heard board. Well you can call off the search we think we’ve just found our husband. Talitha is fuming and Joss can’t stop touching himself, mate if you shake it three times you’re playing with yourself. It is then revealed that Joss has shagged Emma Jane (who?), done “stuff” with Chloe (who hasn’t?) and is best friends with Ross. And it’s time for him to add another to his list as Tablet of Terror sends him off on a date with boring biddy, Farah. Off on the date things are going well, sparks are flying along with champagne all over Farah. Charming.
Another couple are sent off on a date; Liam and Emily, let’s hope it goes better than last time where she spewed in a bin after a donkey ride. Liam rubs his hands together in hopefull anticipation that he might finally get some tail but he can’t catch a break as their date leads them to some sort of slum where they’ll be camping. This does not bode well with Emily as she says she’d rather be at a funeral, hers we’re assuming. Well that sets the tone for the date as things go from bad to worse after a night in a tent they’re summoned to go make some cheese. Princess Emily spits the dummy whilst Liam makes the most of a stinky situation. By the end of the date the chances of these two ending up together are slim to none.
Back at the villa Joss arrives to the boys sniggering about his ridiculous hair, ummm pot meet kettle. In a piece of juicy information it is revealed that Talitha kissed Joss when she was with Ash: SCANDAL. To ease tensions a hypnotist has been brought in to lighten the mood, a few of them go under and it is hilarious to see them writhing around pretending to play instruments.
The next day best friends Ross and Joss (we can’t) get in cahoots and promise to bring back a smash board in which they document all their conquests and fool them into signing it post-coital. Don’t you ever let anyone tell you there are no good guys left out there. Here is the proof! By the pool a tanned up Liam tries his best to sidle in on Talitha which does not sit well with Ash who uncomfortably interrupts them. He’s like a silly-haired jack in the box about to blow and we’ll be sitting front row with popcorn when he does. Farah and Ross share a poolside kiss as she confesses off camera that she’s looking for a relationship; guess she hasn’t heard about the smash board then. Liam then confronts Chloe about a rumour he heard (pretty sure he heard it from his own mouth?) she kissed Ash. Unconfirmed at this stage but we’ve nutted it out to be another stir from the king stirrer himself. That’s it for this week gang – we’re convinced they’re putting something in the water in Britain to ensure that 2014 is the year of the douchebag.