The 19 Stages Of Every Group Holiday, As Told By Geordie Shore
These days, the gang are a pretty well travelled bunch. They’ve taken their tashin’ on tour all over the world now, and now those little worldies are radge-packing their bags all over again.
They're heading to Edinburgh AND Tenerife for the brand new series, so if you’re looking for a bit of classy travel advice for your first group holiday, then the lads and lasses can totally offer up some words of wisdom.
Or err… y’know, at least they can tell you where to get a good kebab from.
Grab your most Instagram-worthy bikini, a suncream that smells like coconuts and the emergency hydration sachets, because your first ever group holiday is a right of passage that we all must face.
Here's every stage you'll go through together, as told by Geordie Shore.
1. Deciding that yep, this is finally the year that you're all going international.
Look out, world/well known party resorts. You and your closest pals are packing your bags, researching budget flights and preparing to have the world's most sunburnt shoulders.
2018 is the year that you're embarking on your first international travels together and HAWAY, it cannot come quick enough.
2. Trying to remain calm while everyone argues about where to go in the group chat.
Ah don't worry, the buzz of vacay excitement and dreams of sipping something pineapple flavoured on the beach will quickly disappear when you remember how truly crap your group is at making any kind of decision.
Prepare for the group chat to be unstoppable for the next three months while you try and work out how to pack entire night out wardrobes, a decent amount of suncream and a hairdryer into hand luggage only.
3. Promising your mum that you absolutely won't rent a quad bike.
IT’S HERE, YOU GUYS. Holiday day has finally arrived and before you jump into the designated parental taxi to the airport, there’s only one thing left to do.
Promise your mum that you definitely, absolutely, 100 per cent won’t do anything stupid; that includes quad bikes, jet skis, getting pregnant and/or impregnating anyone, and wearing Factor 50 at all times. Yep, love you mum.
4. Collectively deciding that a 5am beer at the airport is a really good idea.
These bargain 5.25am flights seemed like a really good idea - right up until you somehow found yourself sat in the airport pub wearing a giant hoodie, hair in a bun and clutching a pint before you've even managed to open both eyes properly.
Unfortunately it's kind of the law that a group holiday has to begin with morning beer and an anaemic bacon sandwich that doesn't even have any ketchup on, so really the only way is up from here.
5. Arriving at your hotel and realising that you probably should have read some reviews first tbh.
There's no greater proof that the internet is full of lies than when you naively rock up to your group holiday hotel expecting five star luxury. There's probably letters hanging off the sign, and a manager that hasn't even got you down for a booking.
You will probably wonder why you've put yourself through this hell, but you'll only ever use the room as an escape from the sunshine when you need to lie down and eat a share bag of Lays. No worries.
6. feeling like you own the place as you start your first big holiday night out.
The world is literally your oyster right now - or at least, the local party strip is your oyster. Your hair is looking beachy and babein', you've already picked up a tan and those new heels you bought for the hols are SO GOOD.
So hey, you might be in a strange bar with very sticky floors and plastic cups dancing to a Pitbull mash up, but it feels like you're a diamond suite Vegas baller right now.
7. watching one of your oldest and dearest pals have a snog with a sunburnt, vest wearing lad on the dancefloor.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people and, after seeing off a sugar-filled fishbowl or two, that extremely sunburnt boy from Birmingham wearing a white vest and long checked shorts suddenly looks hella cute. Help.
As long as it's not YOU doing the tashin' on then it's totally fine, and like any true friend you can just make sure that the whole unfortunate incident is captured on Snapchat for everyone back home to see, too.
8. having the inevitable group argument over something which doesn't even make any sense and serves no purpose.
Stick a group of overtired teenagers in a very small, strange-smelling hotel room together, living on nothing but Fanta Limon and tequila for a few days, and you’re obviously asking for trouble. A little bit of tension is inevitable.
You can be the best of life long friends but there’s always gonna be at least one holiday argument - usually sparked by someone vomming onto someone’s hair or promising that the beach is a ten minute walk away when really it’s two hours.
9. spending your day doing weird activities just because one person in the group organised it.
It's a given that the mum or dad of the group will quickly make themselves known on holiday by taking charge of ALL POSSIBLE organised fun, planned activities and daytime jaunts.
Get ready for your week of lying by the pool eating chips to transform into a local bus tour at 10am, insanely expensive and competitive jet ski riding at 3pm and a weird restaurant booked for 7pm sharp whether you like it or not. DON’T BE LATE.
10. checking how many euros you've got left after hiring that banana boat for 15 minutes yesterday.
Why did you lot ever think that was a good idea? Not only was it seriously painful when you fell off and impossible to climb back onto unless you’re the Hulk, but it also cost you about ten rounds worth of drinks. Gah.
You might even have to break into your souvenir fund at this rate just to get through the rest of the week. Wait a sec, didn’t you leave a tenner rolled up in your sock?
11. finding your holiday song.
Every summer there's a song that's played so frequently in every nightclub across the world, that just the first opening note is enough to give you an eye twitch and make you run for the hills by the end of August.
But when you're on holiday, it becomes less like musical torture and more like a firm tribute to your friendships. Even when the beaches are a distant memory and your tan has faded back to milky white in the UK, you'll still all scream 'OMG IT'S OUR SONG' whenever it's played.
12. reaching night four and just wanting an early night, but you have to force yourself back into party mode because you're on holiday.
THERE IS NO MERCY. With night out after night out on the cards, you're probably dreaming of snuggly blankets, a Netflix marathon and a good cup of tea by the half way point. Fluffy socks and pjs, we miss you.
But excuse you, because this is your first group holiday, pal. You can't waste a single moment and you can forget the night in, so smile through the tears, grab your glowsticks and get back out there like the trooper you are.
13. spotting the one who wandered off and got lost three hours ago.
We've all got one. Every friendship group includes the one person who goes for a wander half way through the evening, causes mild panic amongst everyone else and then turns up again a few hours later wearing one shoe and a novelty hat wondering what everyone's worrying about.
Things don't change just because you're in a foreign country, and there's no better feeling than when you finally spot them in the distance and go sprinting towards them for a reunion cheer. YAAAS.
14. waking up and promising a collective agreement that what happens on the group hol, stays on the group hol.
When all's said and done, it doesn't really matter what you get up to on holiday because there's an unspoken pact that none of this information will ever make it home. Nope, you definitely didn't fall arse over tit and flash everything to the world. Nope, you absolutely did not vom down your own bikini top.
What are you talking about? Why are you making this up? Delete the Snapchats, the Instagram stories - this NEVER HAPPENED.
15. venturing into the local town while pretending to be cultured.
Sometimes all of the Booze Cruises, poolside inflatable assault courses and full English breakfasts can get a bit much, so there's nothing like popping into the local town to pretend that you care loads about history and culture.
Of course, you'll get bored pretty quickly when you realise you can't speak the language and don't want to pay to get into a museum, but at least you can send your mum a slightly classier postcard now.
16. finishing each big night with a gourmet selection of kebabs and cheesy chips.
It's an important fact of life that the best part of a night out is the absolute feast that you reward yourself with afterwards, but the options (aka the kebabs) become so much better when you're abroad. Mmm, sophisticated foreign cuisine.
Bonus group holiday points if you then take those kebabs and cheesy chips down to the beach and stuff your gobs while watching the waves. How cute.
17. having some all important, deep and meaningful bonding moments.
There's nothing like a bit of sea air and a warm breeze (plus some strange blue cocktails with tiny umbrellas in) to bring out your sentimental side, so it's pretty much guaranteed that there'll be some deep and meaningful chats going down on holiday.
Expect philosophical questions about the meaning of life, ponderings about the future and promises to remain best friends forever, all said to the soundtrack of 'Despacito' playing softly in the distance.
18. realising that there's nothing left but to pack up and head back to real life.
Wait, you're telling us that we have to go back to school/uni/work in just a matter of days? We have to leave behind the sunshine, the beaches, the pool, the bikinis and the endless bread and cheese? That just... doesn't seem fair.
How about we all just, y'know, don't do that, and stay here forever? Although actually, maybe some vegetables and an early night would be a good idea at this point.
19. reminiscing about everything that happened when you're old and wrinkly.
BEST. HOLIDAY. EVER.
- Lucy Wood
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