Great Alternatives To Sex That Will Make You Forget Your Monk-Like Existence
Self-isolation is here for a long time, not a good time, and if you’re single – a celibate time. But don’t worry, because here are some pastimes that will fulfill you.
Needlework has been proven to reduce stress hormones in our bodies and even help kick addiction – maybe your sinful sex addiction? I don’t know. So cast on, cast off, and push those needles through those tight little yarn holes again and again, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
For those of you on the kinkier side of the tracks, put those rope skills to good use and make some adorable plant hangers.
Who doesn’t love a throwback hobby? You can chew on a piece of hay while you do it and pretend you’re Ron Swanson. All it takes is a knife and a stick.
Play chess against your computer
Are you a fan of the movie Her, and want to make the move on your own device? Just sayin’, a game of chess is a fantastic human-AI first date. At the end of the day, chess is just two people pondering their next move, hoping it will work out in their favour. There’s always loads of tension and, in my experience playing against my own computer, occasional cheating and gaslighting.
Pick fights online
Channel your frustration into your friend’s mum Deborah who just commented on an article about 5G cell towers. Angry reacts only.
I’m personally shocked that in all this isolation and loneliness, we haven’t seen the resurgence of ventriloquism. But before you rush off to order a new wooden friend, be sure to check with the retailer that it's not possessed by the spirit of a serial killer. It happens.
Make finger puppets
Who needs fingering when you could have FINGER PUPPETS. Make little felt friends to keep you company and embody all your personalities on one hand.
Keep bees alive
Bee-keeping is not for the time-poor. European Honeybees are high-maintenance pets and most first time bee-keepers struggle to keep their hive from dying. Plus they’ve got hella political needs you have to attend to. That’s right, you need to routinely ‘re-queen’ the hive without the worker bees realising what you’ve done (otherwise they’ll split from the hive and swarm, and nothing good ever ‘swarms’). If you want that sweet sweet honeycomb, staging regular bee-coups are essential. It’s the insect equivalent of Game of Thrones.
Get like, twelve tamagotchis
Are you intrigued by the idea of bee-keeping but don’t want any real-world consequences (like the blood of hundreds of bees on your hands)? Buy yourself as many tamagotchis as you wanna take on. I’m not a parent but I’m pretty sure this is basically the same.
Lean into the monk part of your existence by making a DIY zen garden.
You know, with the tiny wooden rakes. Sweep your loneliness under sand, mineral and succulent cuttings.
Dye your hair
With hairdressers in short supply, it’s time to open the home salon! There’s never been a better opportunity to take risks with your lewk. Curious about blue hair? Want bleached brows? Get mixing and if it doesn’t work out...
Shave your head
Society is about a month away from this step at any rate, so don’t feel bad about being ahead of the curve and lopping those locks out of existence!
Main Image Credit: Licensed by Getty
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Some Lovely Pictures Of Pauly D I Found Online Which Are Really Calming My Nerves Right Now
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