A List Of Iconic Hollywood Goatees Ranked By How Horny They Made Me
If you've been anywhere near the internet lately, you would have noticed there is one name on everyone's lips: Adam Sandler.
The SNL alum is having somewhat of a Sandl-aissance, as his latest role in the movie 'Uncut Gems' is generating Oscar buzz for his performance, and much chatter around his character's unique lewk. And it is fully turning me on.
Everything about his character Howard Ratner's drip should repulse me, from the ill-fitting leather blazer, his teeny rectangle glasses, the gaudy gold jewellery, right down to the square-cut loafers. But every time I am met with one of these images, I am, undeniably, feeling hot under the collar because of the pièce de résistance: his nastay Goatee.
And we have the Safdie Brothers to thank. The directing/writing/producing sibling duo have received glowing reviews for 'Uncut Gems', a film based on a high-stakes bet which takes place in the Diamond District of New York City. If you dig a little deeper, you'll find that this isn't the first time the Safdie's have delievered us a character resplendent with some facial scruff. You might remember back in 2017 they released 'Good Time' featuring an unrecognisable Robert Pattinson, complete with a Goatee.
It's safe to say, there have been some iconic Goatees in Hollywood over the years, and much like Mr Sandler's whiskers, they consistently sexually confuse me. I get it, they're disgusting. And yet I am drawn to them in a way that can't really be explained. Noone asked for this, but I have pulled together a list of exemplary Goatees which have graced our screens over the years and have ranked them by horny they made me. For the purposes of this educated ranking I'll be using ~🐐horny goats 🐐~ as the metric. Enjoy.
Danny McBride - Kenny Powers, Eastbound & Down
This Goatee makes me wanna exclusively wear midriff tops, drink tinnies and exist on a solid diet of KFC Twister wraps. And let me tell you, that's not a bad way to live. Extra points must go to Danny McBride pulling off the ultimate combo: Goatee AND a mullet.
Rating: 🐐🐐 & one dirty bird 🐔
John Travolta - Charlie Wax, From Paris With Love
I can't say I've ever actually heard of this film (and according to box office numbers not many people watched it) but I must commend John Travolta for finally accepting his bald head and losing the toupee in 2019. Having said that, this Goatee does absolutely nothing for me downstairs.
Adam Sandler - Howard Ratner, Uncut Gems
Honestly how much time do you have? As you've probably gathered by now, according to moi, this Goatee is the GOAT. This version of Adam Sandler is the only thing that matters to me now. That nasty peppering of thiccc black facial hair is erotic beyond measure. Throw in a diamond encrusted Furby necklace and you have my ultimate fantasy wrapped up in one neat little picture, my friends.
Rating: 🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST 🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐
Robert Pattinson - Connie Nikas, Good Time
I always believed that nothing could ever top my peak-RPattz phase when he starred in the The Twilight Saga, and yet here I am staring at an image of my celebrity hall pass sporting a sh*tty bleached blonde 'do and a sharp pair of Speed Dealers, and feeling overcome with desire. I don't make up the rules, I just feel what I feel. Rob's Goatee is more of an unkempt display of overgrown hair but I'll take it.
Terry Crews - Latrell Spencer, White Chicks
There is something mystifying about Terry Crews as a ~sex symbol~. I am equal parts terrified and equal parts turned on by his character in White Chicks, especially in the scene when his sharply manicured Goatee perfectly windows his impressive tongue. 'What that mouff do?' indeed.
Rating: 🐐🐐🐐🐐 & one 👅
Adam Driver - Adam Sackler, Girls
When the world was first introduced to Adam Driver in Lena Dunham's smash HBO series 'Girls', everyone was utterly confused. Is he your traditionally handsome Hollywood love interest? No. Did our basements flood every time he appeared on screen? YES. Adam's Brooklyn beard is a further identifier of this 'ugly hot' phenomenon. It's not exactly appealling, but it's not, not - you know?
Bryan Cranston - Walter White, Breaking Bad
At the beginning of the series Walter White was an unwell science teacher with a poor excuse for a moustache. By the end of the series he had grown into a bushy Goatee paired with a Pork Pie hat. There's something to be said about a man who boldly wears a Pork Pie/Fedora/Kangol hat and still respectably takes himself into work each day. Even if he is a meth cook!!! I love to see the confidence, and in turn, that gets me horny!!!
Hugh Jackman - Blackbeard, Pan
Yikes, this movie bombed and Hugh Jackman's facial hair bombed in my pants. I never like to speak ill of a fellow Aussie and musical theatre enthusiast, but this facial hair offering from Our Hugh is pitiful and quite frankly a crime against the Arts.
Steve Carrell - Michael Scott, The Office (US)
While Michael Scott's Goatee wasn't a series regular on The Office (US), it bears mentioning here. I'll keep it short and sweet: I like this Goatee about as much as Ryan liked Kelly (real STANS will know).
Ricky Gervais - David Brent, The Office (UK)
Oh god I love Ricky Gervais so much. David Brent would not be David Brent without this filthy, filthy trimmed beard. This Goatee makes the character so bloody iconic, but similar to Steve Carrell in The Office (US) this is gonna be a no from me, dawg.
Orlando Bloom - Duke Of Buckingham, The Three Musketeers
A Goatee doesn't have to be a low-brow offering. In fact Orlando Bloom proved to me that a man can successfully pull off a twisted handlebar Goatee, a pearl earring, a heeled bootie and still get my engine revving. Years ago a young Harry Styles saw Orlando in this movie and thought, "yep, that's it. That's my look."
Orlando Bloom - Will Turner, Pirates Of The Caribbean
When I first saw Orlando as Legolas in Lord Of The Rings, that was me done. I was in love. His delicate Goatee in POTC was a lite appetiser, but fulfilling all the same. Certainly a lot nicer than J*hnny D*pp's Goatee. Don't @ me.
Will Ferrell - Jacobim Mugatu, Zoolander
Whilst I believe Will Ferrell to be a comic genius, when it comes to urges of the sexual kind, it's a Sahara Desert for me. Regardless, his curly lil moustache-less Goatee in Zoolander is a wonderful display of character work.
Rating: 1 x foamy latte ☕️
Eric Bana - Chopper Read, Chopper
It's really hard to seperate my feelings towards Eric Bana and Chopper Read. To be clear: Eric Bana = hot and good and yummy, Chopper Read = bad and not nice and yeah alright the Goatee is solid but no thank you.
Robert Downey Jr - Tony Stark, Iron Man
Iron Man made Robert Downey Jr a household name again when he entered the Marvel universe. Whilst I love me some RDJ, his Goatee does a grand total of ZERO for me.
Sacha Baron Cohen - Ali G, Ali G Indahouse
Mad restecp to Ali G for just doing him. This wannabe gangster is so devoid of any self-awareness, which in some warped way, makes him attractive. His pencil-thin Goatee is foul, but I'm here for the swag - BOOYAKASHA.
Jeff Bridges - The Dude, The Big Lebowski
I'm coming thru with a vintage offering, in the form of Jeff Bridges. Maybe it's my daddy issues, maybe it's Maybelline, but I'm hot for this Goatee in The Big Lebowski from The Coen Brothers. Jeff's wiry, salt'n'peppa facial hair is the perfect accessory to his Man-digan.
Aaron Eckhart - George, Erin Brockovich
I remember watching Erin Brockovich when I was younger and thinking, "I'm definitely not old enough to watch this," but regardless I pushed on. While a lot of the chatter about legal terms and poisoned water went over my head, I distinctly remember feeling feelings when Erin's boyfriend, George, rode in on his giant Harley Davidson bike with that big ol furry Goatee leading the charge. Come to think of it, my therapist might posit that this is exactly the point when my weird, confusing, sexual attraction to Goatee's began. C'est la vie.
Rating: 🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐 & one 🏍
Main Image Credit: IMDB