Thu:03-07-2008

- Lindsay Lohan's Secret Half Sister!

Fame Whoring For The Whole Family!

Remember that old saying 'the apple never falls far from the tree"? Well the Lohans are about to prove that cliche has more than an ounce of truth.

Mummy and Daddy Lohan have filled their fare share of column inches in the last few months, and that's without the exploits of their oldest daughter's lesbian-loving rehabbing ways.  In fact, these reports are finally giving us insight into why poor old Li Lo's life has been a tad problematic thus far. Her parents are not only a few sambos short of a picnic both are attention seeking fame whores!

Just last week, reports had surfaced that Linds may have a secret sister, courtesy of a fling between her father Michael Lohan and massage therapist Kristi Kaufmann back in the day (while he was still married to Dina).  The accusations certainly raised a few eyebrows, but what is truly shocking (and a little bizarre) is the string of press releases and allegations from Michael that followed. 

In an attempt to explain the situation, Michael said to E! News "I was with her twice. Then 10 years later, while I was in jail, she called me and told me that her husband at the time turned up negative in the paternity test, and that meant I was the father.

"I haven't seen [the woman] for 13 years. I believed her at first but now, out of nowhere, she's gone public. This is a woman with a lot of issues, I don't know if I can trust her," he continues, adding that the girl's name is Ashley.

"My lawyers are working on this. There's going to be a paternity test."

About time, says Kristi, the object of Lohan's past affection.

"He was supposed to take a paternity test seven years ago but he disappeared off the face of the earth," said Kristi to E! News.  No, he didn't disappear off the face of the earth, but he did get drunk a lot and end up in jail.

Apparently a paternity test wasn't the only thing Daddy Lohan promised her and daughter Ashley.  According to Kristi, Michael was going to do for aspiring singer Ashley what he did for Lindsay's career, "the whole thing" according to Kaufmann. Looked like you dodged a bullet there, Ashley!

But strap yourself in, because this saga has more twists and turns than bowl of spaghetti.

The ex-convict has revealed that if the test is found to be negative, Kristi will be sued for libel and defamation.

According to gossip site PerezHilton.com, Li Lo's daddy is planning to sell the results of his paternity test to the highest bidding magazine. All this is starting to look suspicously like a win/win situation for him!

Not long after, Daddy Lohan had a word to Page Six about his disgust with Dina's recognition as Celebrity Top Mum. 

Michael fumed, "Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.

"She comes stumbling out of (club) Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling 'Oh, [bleep],' when she saw the paparazzi."

Hush now Daddy Lohan, you're not in a great position to critisize...

Child protection agencies should really be stepping in with Lindsay, sister Ali and probably half sister Ashley too.  They'd all be better off being adopted out to a pack of flee-ridden She Wolves.

And you thought your parents were embarrassing.   

By Penelope Quinn

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