I've never celebrated Valentine's Day.

I'd like to say it's an act of defiance – a rejection of a holiday created to sell roses and cheap chocolate.

But truthfully, it's because when the date rolls around every year, I'm single. It's cruel because I love roses, cheap chocolate, and people buying me things for no real reason.

This Valentine's Day, I'm doing things differently. I'm going to celebrate. If Catfish (and COVID) has taught us anything, it's that distance doesn't spell the end of intimacy. There are plenty of ways to spoil your favourite people, regardless of A/S/L.

Here are my top seven sexy tips to spoiling that special someone – be it your partner, your best friend, your mum or your dog* – this V day.

1. SEND THEM MCDONALD'S

Nothing says "I love you" quite like a medium cheeseburger meal with sweet and sour sauce and a diet coke.

The ubiquity of McDonald's (coupled with the invention of food delivered on-demand) means no matter where you are in the world, you can both enjoy the same great tasting food together.

You can say something different with every meal.

If you're in the courting phase and you're not sure where you stand, a Happy Meal is an inoffensive choice. It's easy to fob the gesture off as a 'friend thing' when it comes with a toy Minion.

For a more upfront approach, sending your boo-thang butter-soaked Hot Cakes is one way to play it. Getting the Nutella-smeared version might say something else entirely. Either way, I'm lovin' it.

*Maybe don't give the dog McDonalds.

2. MAKE THEM A SPOTIFY PLAYLIST

Mixtapes were the OG romantic gesture in days of yore.

Most close relationships are underscored by a song, an album or an artist.

The most important relationship in my life is the one I have with myself. And the soundtrack to that is "Toxic".

If you want to get really creative with it (this is a great option for the underemployed) go one step further and write them out a heartfelt message, through song titles.

3. BUY THEM A SUBSCRIPTION

Paying for entertainment when you can get it for free on the internet is a hard sell. But funding the arts is sexy.

Pay for a joint streaming account and you can watch cold cut content together. It's a great way to find something to talk about when your phone conversations have turned into "so what are you having for dinner?" territory.

It doesn't have to be digital, either.

Do they love watches? Get them a watch magazine subscription. Big fan of geraniums? Flower subscription. Are they alive? Wine.

No matter what you choose, every time they get a delivery or watch a belter movie, they will be reminded of how wonderful, generous and deeply attractive you are.

4. MAKE THEM A CAMERA ROLL SLIDESHOW

The other day I was looking through my camera roll and made a few accidental clicks. Nek minnit, my iPhone had made a mini movie of my last month – salty screenshots, butt ugly selfies and all.

Simply pick your favourite photos, click 'Select', 'Share' and 'Slideshow' and you've got a delightful little digital gift.

Best of all, they're underscored by emotionally-wet piano ballads. It's the perfect gift for those who find cringing an enjoyable experience.

Feeling bold? Go one step further and share it to your Insta-story for everyone to enjoy.

5. BUY THEM A SHOUTOUT ON CAMEO

All types of celebs are on Cameo, and you can pay them money to do things.

You can find the perfect person to give them a V Day shout out. Heck, you can even buy one from Nev himself.

6. WRITE AND MAIL THEM AN ACROSTIC POEM

Simple, easy, old school and effective. You don't need to be Rupi Kaur or even Dr Seuss to nail an acrostic poem. Here's one I wrote for myself.

Funny and cool

Really cool

Obviously cool

Overly cool

Me, I am cool

Elegant but cool

Super cool

If you get stuck, simply Google 'compliments starting with the letter' and go from there.

7. ASK THEM TO FILL OUT A 'LOVE LANGUAGES' QUIZ

Love languages are all the rage, and they're actually helpful for figuring out how you give and receive love and affection.

There are five of them:

1. Word of affirmation


2. Gifts


3. Acts of service


4. Quality time


5. Physical touch

You can fill out an online quiz before coercing your significant other into doing the same. Then when V day rolls around, you don't get caught out buying $80 red roses when all they wanted was a high five.

I'm really just putting this here so my boyfriend reads it and gives me some words of affirmation and perhaps a small gift. (Hi Martin. Happy Valentine's Day.)

This Valentines Day, watch Lucinda Price (@frooomes) on the MTV couch as she reminisces on her favourite Catfish episodes of all time – all of them with happy endings, for a change. Share the love with us on Sunday, Feb 14 at 5.45pm on MTV on Foxtel (channel 122) and Fetch (104).