This just in: Melbourne Lord Mayor Sally Capp has pulled the plug on this year's NYE fireworks; yet another casualty of the wanton and pernicious effects of cancel culture. So much for the tolerant left, am I right?!?
Uh, sorry. Went into a bit of a trance there. As I was saying, Melbourne's NYE fireworks are officially not going ahead to avoid the congregating of large crowds; basically the last thing anyone needs during a pandemic. The decision has the support of VIC Premier Dan Andrews, who reckons "we just can't have crowds that big".
Instead, the city plans to keep Melbourne residents entertained by allowing them to do what they do best – eat and drink in a designated zone. Yep, Melbourne will ring in 2021 by blocking off traffic to bougie food hubs like Little Bourke Street and Flinders Lane, encouraging Melburnians to dine in the open air for a one-off 'New Year Street Feast'. The initiative will also help food venues impacted by the city's extended lockdown recover from the hit.
As you can imagine, the word 'European' makes an appearance in the event's marketing materials with official copy boasting the event will take inspiration from "the piazzas and squares of Europe". Certo, Melbourne.
Tickets for the two-day event start at $25 and go on sale from November 23. Go on, then. It's for the economy.
Written by Reena Gupta, a Melbourne-based writer for MTV Australia. You can follow her at @purpletank