Brunch With Alan Jones & Surfing With Tony Abbott: The Prizes For This LNP Fundraiser Are My Worst Nightmare

A fitting finale to this hell year.

"Hell is empty and the devils are here". This is just one of the quotes you could be mumbling to yourself after your brunch with Alan Jones, a 'prize' being raffled off as part of The Liberal Party's fundraiser for the next election.

I know what you're thinking. All I've ever wanted is to have coffee with a 79-year-old man so adept at drumming up racial hatred they almost certainly incited the Cronulla riots. I get it. That's all any of us want. But should you miss out, a surfing lesson with none other than Tony Abbott, himself one of Australia's most infamous demagogues, is also up for grabs. (We're not sure if women are eligible to enter, what with their physiology).

The raffle, reportedly a real thing, is being held to raise money to win back Tony Abbott's old seat of Warringah at the next election. MP Zali Steggall took the seat in 2019 with an 18 percent swing, while Tony Abbott now works for the UK government as Trade Adviser. Many British politicians (and even a bunch of celebrities) have expressed concern about the appointment of a "homophobe and misogynist" to their ranks. Anyway, it's unclear how he'll impart his surfing skills to the lucky winner from Marylebone. Zoom, I guess?

"More than a dozen amazing prizes to be won in support of the campaign to win back the federal seat of Warringah," a flyer for the raffle reads. Tickets for the sweepstake start at $50 a pop. Don't all jump at once.

Written by Reena Gupta, a Melbourne-based writer at MTV Australia. Follow her at @purpletank

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