So some genius in the Emmys writers’ room thought it would be a chill and fun idea to get Jennifer Aniston to put out a cute lil fire in a fun “bit” – while half the country burns from literal wildfires.
Only problem was the cute lil fire just kept on burning, no matter how many times Jennifer Aniston sprayed it with her fire extinguisher – mostly because our man Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t know how to control himself with the Lysol. Like an unsupervised problem child he sprayed and sprayed and just fucking sprayed.
Jimmy, all you had to do to play your part in this subpar bit was take the envelope and spray it with just a tiny bit of Lysol so it would light on fire – that’s all you had to do, just set up the bit so Jennifer Aniston can come in and save the day. It’s genius comedy writing Jimmy, truly peak stuff. It’s funny because of the germs! Haha! We gotta disinfect stuff now! We're in a global pandemic! Lol!
But Jimmy just had to have the power trip didn’t he, he had to make the bit shine. But why? It was already so funny! Jimmy gotta make it funnier, Jimmy thought. Jimmy gotta spray more… Jimmy gotta make the world burn.
Look, Jimmy, I get it. You gotta be funny. Ha! Look! I’m the funny man! – trust me. I get it. But Jimmy, surely something in your brain should've popped up at about the fourth spray of Lysol? Surely somewhere in your subconscious one of your atoms or neurons or whatever it is that controls the mind should've tapped you on your metaphorical shoulder and said, Jimmy, buddy, maybe that’s enough, in a comforting, yet stern manner.
But you didn’t listen did you Jimmy? And now Jennifer Aniston is out here putting out a fire on a stage that just refuses to go out. Jimmy, you can’t just stand there with a shit-eating grin while everything around you burns; Jennifer Aniston isn't always going to be there to put out fires for you. One day, Jimmy, you’re going to start a fire, and you’re going to look for Jennifer, but she won’t be there Jimmy. No one will be there. You’re going to be alone with your fire, and what will you do then?
Jennifer can’t save you Jimmy, the only one who can save you is yourself. And you won’t find any answers at the bottom of a Lysol bottle, trust me, I've tried. So maybe next time, just keep it at one spray – two tops. And then just, let it go.
You gotta learn to let shit go Jimmy, please, we’re all worried about you.
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David Allegretti writes op-eds and other good stuff for MTV Australia. More of his finest here.
Main image credit: Licensed by Getty