The apocalypse will be monetised.
Hey, has the impending apocalypse got you down? Has the global pandemic and slow yet steady destruction of the planet leading to ever more suffocating bushfire seasons got you feeling a little flat? Well good news comrade, because luckily for you, the apocalypse will be monetised. That’s right you stylish devil, this year’s hottest new fashion item will leave you breathing easy as you turn heads in your stupid little astronaut cosplay helmet.
It’s called AIR by MicroClimate, a cool new helmet for business and pleasure that’s fully equipped with HEPA filters that purify both incoming and outgoing air via a ventilation system that implements “high powered fans” to keep the helmet fresh, fun, and fog-free. And it’ll only set you back US$199, or about AUD$280 (going by the exchange rate at the time of writing).
It’s true style-meets-comfort, as the depressing helmet has plenty of padding and comes complete with a handy machine-washable neck seal. It also boasts an acrylic visor, so everyone can clearly see your important rich face, plus a charging cable that reaches a whole six feet! Which will no doubt come in handy because your helmet battery can only last so long (4+ hours according to MicroClimate).
Imagine how good you’ll feel as you put on your little helmet and head out to the office, stepping over the still twitching corpses of the useless helmetless commonfolk as you walk through a desolate CBD– oooh yuck you almost stepped on one, yikes, you just bought those R.M. Williams! Dodged a bullet there. Would’ve been a shit start to the day having to wipe off pleb juice from your shiny new concrete cowboy corporate boots.
I digress. Back to the helmet. Look, it’s not so much the helmet itself that I have a gripe with. It’s kind of cool in a way. I mean yes, it’s douchey, but at least the folks at MicroClimate are trying to make positive steps towards adapting to this dying world. But it’s expensive, and it sets the precedent for rich people to literally breathe easier while those barely scraping by are stuck choking on the smog and germs primarily caused by corporate types wanting an extra five rooms in their next mansion.
Gimmick or not, it seems we’re edging ever closer to an era of needing space suits to live on earth. I wish we didn’t need this. I don’t hate that it exists, I just hate that there’s even a feasible market for such a product. The whole thing is yuck.
But I kind of want one.
Main Image Credit: AIR by MicroClimate