OAK’s Supposed New Milk Flavour Is Proof God Is Dead

This is the final straw.

Hoo boy ok so, you know that feeling you get when you’re ripping into a fresh jam donut- and before we proceed let me really set the scene. It’s a cold winter day, cloudy, late afternoon, you’re kind of hungry but also it’s a bit too early for dinner, isn’t it? Your friends (this is pre-corona) are feeling the same way. So you’re all walking through the city, things are grand, not a mask in sight, people are hugging. And then you see it – an old school jam donut van. Fucking perfect.

There’s really nothing in the world like a hot jam donut on a cold winter day. You all walk over, you order a few donuts, and you get stuck in. The wonderful contrast of flavour and texture, the sweet jam encased in that incredible soft cinnamon pillow. Life is perfect, well, almost.

“I really wish this was a milk,” you say, after your second bite. Your friends all look at you like you’ve just sat on a kitten. “What?” you protest, “think about it.” But they don’t think about it do they? No, they don’t understand. They just don’t get it.

But OAK understands.

As revealed by some dude who posted this in the “Blokes and their milk” Facebook group:

If the rumours are to be believed, it looks like OAK is set to release a jam donut flavour to their line-up of unholy milks.

That’s right you fucking freak, OAK hears you. Your feelings are valid. You can have your stupid fucking donut milk apparently. You psychopath.

This isn’t the first time OAK have gone to great lengths to, I dunno, summon Satan? I mean what other explanation could there be for taking things like Allen’s Pineapples, Peppermint Crisp, Fantales, Redskins, and Jaffas, and thinking 'Hey, these should all be milk'.

I dunno man. The world is so fucked up. This donut milk is coming soon I guess. There’s no release date. But it will happen. And when it does. Well, that will surely be the end. The gates of hell will open, and 2020 will implode in on itself; the entire universe collapsing to form one single point of infinite mass made up of nothing but pure cinnamon, jam, and cursed energy because man took it one step too far. We shouldn’t have fucked with science so much. But we did.

OAK’s scientists have condemned us all.

Mail Image Credit: Getty

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