Quick reminder of last week’s heavy conclusion: May was told that the tribe had spoken, and Lindsay put out her torch while Panos looked on commenting on how sh*t the wine STILL is.
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Well if you couldn’t believe Lindsay actually fired someone you don’t have to, because this week LiLo manages to perfect a standing back tuck and land flawlessly as she reverses her decision to fire May.
After May cries in front of the gang and we clearly see that no f*cks are given from Brent and Kailah, Lindsay decides to swoop in and pull May away from doing some farewell shots. Ms. Lohan tells us she’s never fired anyone before, then quickly recounts the time she fired her ex manager over text and OMG I want to see that text!
Lindsay and May have a heart to heart where we get backstory from both ladies on their hard upbringings. Essentially, in the end Lindsay rehires/unfires May because she has a lotus tattoo on her finger and Lindsay’s sister Ali has a lotus tattoo on the back of her neck. If matching tattoos are getting you hired by Lindsay, I am going to get a matching ‘Live Without Regrets’ inked on my left hand so LiLo and I are matching and I get myself a trip to Mykonos.
Panos has had enough of this sh*t. He needs to get off today and the only way he is going to do that is by seeing an actual firing take place. Panos grabs "flatlining" Jules (his words not mine) and tells her to pack her bags. Lindsay mentions Jules is useless to her and says "god bless her and her Christian soul" and that’s all she wrote!
Gabi, Alex and Aristotle return from Alex’s grandmother’s cake factory vacation to hear the devastating news that Jules is not America’s Next Top Model. Gabi is pissed May got to stay because of her sob story and is NOT receiving hugs today.
We head to the beach house for another day in paradise until we find out the next VIP clients are with children. Gross. Even Panos can’t stand his godson and we get our weekly reminder why we love Panos. Speaking of children, Sara and Brent try to tell Panos they have broken up, but he is having none of their tomfoolery. "You sell better when you’re single" Panos says, but I’ve had my 'For Sale' sign up for a while now and no one is buying. Teach me, Panos.
Brent and Sara reconnect (WHY!) while Brent unloads about his past experiences with bullying and his tough upbringing. He promises Sara that when they are out of Mykonos, he will treat Sara like he treats his grandmother. I wonder if Brent calls his grandmother a ‘2’ and throws her belongings at her in a rage. After they are all loved up again, they put it in and things get all Geordie Shore night cam f*ck footage up in here.
Back to the Beach House. A Bachelorette party are on their way and May is assigned the lead on these VIP party gals with the help of Jonitta and Kyle. But not for long! Lindsay’s Bond girl homage swimsuit makes a comeback and she swoops in and takes Brent, Kyle and Kailah to her yacht. For a quick moment we see Lindsay on the dingy with a towel over her head serving Vicki Gunvalson Iceland hangover corpse realness.
Now for the TROLL of the century. Let’s break the fourth wall for a minute and acknowledge that the editor did LiLo dirty. We see Lindsay making cheeseburgers and squeezing a f*ck tonne of ketchup onto them, intercut with her pouring her heart out over her love of cooking in her confessionals. Lindsay delicately crushes some doritos on her burger masterpiece. We’re then left with a close-up of another plate that looks like pieces of chicken schnitzel on a bed of rice, and pieces of actual tomato with ketchup on top. Tomato ON tomato. Bon Appétit Mykonos.
Brent, Kyle and Kailah are bitching about their roommates and believe May is going to get fired again. When Kailah gets a little too overly competitive about her intentions at Lohan Beach Club, Lindsay comes in to knock them all down a few pegs.
Lindsay expresses she wants the ambassadors to be all kumbaya with each other and think about it more like a family. Ms. Lohan herself is suss as hell over Kailah’s motives for being in Mykonos now, and starts questioning Kailah about her relationship back home. This rubs Kailah the wrong way!
We don’t get the Kailah vs. Lindsay confrontation we want on the yacht, but it sure as hell looks like we’re going to get it soon. The ambassadors make it back to the beach where May has miraculously not f*cked up her hosting duties and is now an honorary bridesmaid.
Kailah believes someone broke Lindsay’s heart, leaving her jaded and unable to let anyone else be happy. Look, we’d all be jaded if things didn’t work out with Wilmer Valderrama. Just give Lindsay some time. Kailah then calls her "Dadddy" (note it three d’s as it shows in her phone, because we can’t be calling our father’s daddy in 2019) and it turns out Kailah’s dad is as crazy as she is. He says to tell Lindsay to "shut the f*ck up" and "suck my d*ck." Father of the year!
And with that, it looks like we’re gearing up for a showdown in next week’s episode wiith Kailah going at Lindsay PLUS an unexpected fight between Mike and Alex happening during Pride of all occasions. We must also warn you the next episode features Lindsay’s now ICONIC dance, where she educated the world on how to throw a party in Mykonos, b*tch! See you then.
- Daniel Morrison
catch new 'lindsay lohan's beach club' wednesdays at 12pm au / 2pm nz, encoring at 8:30pm - only on mtv!
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