I can’t believe our time in Mykonos is coming to a close. It’s time for Lindsay to return to her Eastern European enclave and perfect yet another accent that none of us will ever trace the true origin of.
It’s been an insane summer at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. We saw May fired then unfired, poor Jules get the chop for being a plain Jane and Kailah had a fiery exit where Lindsay dropped the c-bomb...and Brent and Sara were just a mess from the start. But if you thought we could make it to the end of this season without anyone else being fired, well, you are hella wrong and Lindsay still has her finger on the trigger.
We’re back at Lohan Beach House and its shots of ass, abs, ass, abs to remind us that Mike got his ass out in front of Geordie Shore royalty, Sophie & Nathan last week and the manager (who we have never seen before) told Mike to put it away. Panos sits the ambassadors down and tells them they are all going to spend the day partying at the Beach Club except for Mike who needs to pack his bags and go home!
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Everyone is pissed Mike has got the chop. Gabi rightly points out everyone received a warning at some point but poor Mike popped his peen out and was shown the door. When I say everyone is pissed, that’s everyone except Brent who couldn’t give two sh*ts on the manner because he loves bathing in a bath of Mykonos Misery. Truly Brent is possibly the devil.
Lindsay lets us know she loved Mike but was clearly too busy on a yacht doing a photoshoot to swing by the Beach Club to say her farewells. That’s the last we see of poor Mike and as we saw him death drop at Pride we then see him death drop his naked ass out of Greece. Goodbye our Bisexual beefcake.
The ambassadors seem to quickly forget Mike is no longer with us and they get to gettin’ smashed. Brent steals a bottle of alcohol from the girl’s cabana only to attempt to reappear as a hero by buying them a bottle of 1942. I had to look up what 1942 was and for those uneducated patrons like myself, it’s a bottle of Don Julio 1942 Tequila which Brent claims he spent $500 on...but a quick Google shows me Dan Murphy’s is selling a 750ml bottle for $186.99.
Kyle is having none of Brent’s hero bullsh*t when he asks to ride Kyle’s shoulders up to the girls to present the bottle of 1942. Alex has no time for the straight man energy and lets Kyle ride up to the girls’ delight.
In the van on the way home, Brent is still tormenting Kyle saying he’s "fake" and slings a "bitch" comment at him which you can finally see has set Kyle OFF. As soon as they are back at the villa, Kyle charges with a swift push to Brent’s throat and the rest of ambassadors and security step in to diffuse the situation. Everyone is the house is mad about how Kyle reacted and so is Lindsay who shows up on their doorstep a short time later.
Brent lets Lindsay know everyone is upset about Mike being fired and Lindsay being the boss b*tch she is tells Brent to "go cry in the f*cking shower, I don’t give a f*ck" and wow is all I have to say. Lindsay marches in to tell Kyle she isn’t having this sh*t and tells him to go home. Lindsay isn’t going to have any ambassadors left to choose from at this rate!
After everyone reels from yet another ambassador sent packing in the final hours, they all head into town for their final dinner. Please note: Ari walks into a palm tree while walking to the restaurant and looks like all of us walking into a spiderweb.
When Lindsay enters the restaurant she pulls a lobster out of the ice tray. We can only assume it’s the same lobster she attempted to rescue in episode 6 finally making its way back to Lindsay in the form of dinner bringing this entire experience full circle.
The gang reflect on their summer. Pride was a highlight for the group and for all of us really (I mean the #LiLoDance come on!) We also learn to never fall in love in Mykonos after seeing the disaster that was Brent and Sara. Look if you’re falling in love with someone after less than a month who called you a 6 then maybe therapy (and not love) is the answer for you.
After some waving of napkins and smashed plates, the ambassadors start dancing in a line on the table in what can only be described as participants in a firing squad. Lindsay and Panos stand there with four envelopes waiting to invite four of the ambassadors to stay on with the Lohan brand past the summer.
If we’re going to rate this whole experience on an awkwardness scale it’s sitting up there with Courtney love throwing her shoe at Madonna at the 1995 MTV VMAs and then crashing her interview immediately after.
Jonitta and Gabi are the first two ambassadors chosen to continue on and wow the amnesia experienced on this island is incredible. The fact we forgot Jonitta slapped Gabi only a few weeks ago and was ready to throw down seems to be completely erased...but only an hour earlier Kyle got sent home for basically the same actions?
After shy Billy is chosen as the third, we’re down to one envelope. Lindsay unpredictable-as-ever Lohan, rips the last envelope in two and hands off each part to Brent and Ari and bless Ari’s sweet heart. Lindsay says Ari is gorgeous, takes direction and he’s half Greek - "enough said" - and honestly if thos were options to filter down men on Tinder, I would. No comment on Brent’s further employment.
Lindsay unloads on the ambassadors she didn’t take on with her saying she doesn’t have time to babysit May, Sara gave away her power to men (ouch!), and Lindsay just totally forgot about Alex. Alex thinks the people Lindsay are rewarding now are trash and Sara is completely done with this whole experiment, swearing at the cameras yelling she is done.
The ambassadors head off (still drunk) and pack their bags to fly home. Brent rejoices in Sara not making the cut and Lindsay continues dancing in the restaurant. Lindsay will continue to dance through the cold winter months of the Greek calendar until the sun rises on Mykonos for another unforgettable summer filled with lobsters, linen and Panos.
- Daniel Morrison
Catch all episodes of Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club right here, on mtv.com.au
...And don't forget, Geordie Shore Season 19 is premiering Tuesday 10th of April at 7am au/ 9am NZ, encore at 9:30pm. Only on MTV!